Chronic Illness and Balance vs. Distortion

This week has been a challenging week both physically and emotionally. I have been having some chronic illness flares caused by several different factors. The past few days have been very eye opening in a series of "coincidences" that aren't really coincidences. I went to my second meeting of the meditation group I'm going to on Wednesday nights. It was a very nice meditation and the lady who facilitates it is very nice. We talked for quite a while after the meditation, chit chatting. I was talking about wanting to get going with my Tarot business and my dog training business but am having some mental blocks about getting going. She suggested making up some simple fliers and business cards to have on hand, available to pass out should the opportunity arise. One thing she said really stuck with me. She talked about how having those simple things sets out the energy of intention for getting started and meeting people who we are supposed to meet. That really resonated with me, basically reaffirming my thoughts on what you focus your energy on is what will likely be the type of energy you attract. This is very much NOT any sort of victim blaming for bad circumstances or anything like that. But where you put your focus is where your energies will be drawn and what types of energies that you will likely draw in. I want to get started with my businesses. Having a few simple tools to facilitate that will be sending out the intention of getting started, which is what I want. So that's the first "ping" for the week.

Then, I started re-reading the book "I'm Spiritual, dammit" by Jenniffer Weigel. It's an excellent book about her journey through spiritual seeking. One of the subjects that came up was gratitude in advance. She talks about giving thanks in advance for the things we want and need. Her big example is parking spots. As she is driving she thanks the Universe for an excellent parking spot just where she needs it. It works and she stopped counting her successes after over 200 in a row. So this pinged with me too. This resonated with the energetic focus I'd already been thinking of.

I have been deteriorating physically and emotionally for several weeks now. I realized that I have been incredibly focused on my difficulties with my physical energy and lack of energy. My Tarot card of the day yesterday was the 5 of cups. This card made me realize that I was focusing so much on what I lost, what I don't have, that I wasn't focusing on what I actually do have, which was some improvement, at least before all this. So I was focusing on LACK, so that's the type of energy that was continuing to surround me, LACK. Lack of energy, lack of motivation, lack, lack, lack. I'd become so paranoid about doing anything that might use up too much of my precious energy that I became basically paralyzed about doing ANYTHING. This is completely out of balance and is completely distorted thinking. Yes, with my chronic illness I do have limitations and I should do my best to respect those. But in all actuality, it doesn't matter that much! If I do too much and crash, what's the big deal? I'm so incredibly lucky that I don't have a job to worry about or anything like that. My husband works and provides well for us both. So if I overdo it a bit and crash for a day or two, WHO CARES?!?!?! I do too much, crash, learn my lesson, and try to be more careful next time.

from the Sun and Moon Tarot

My Tarot card today was the 4 of Pentacles. This is a card about miserliness and hoarding and lack of generosity. Pentacles is about our daily life and many take this card to be about money and not being generous. But for me, this card was about my daily life in general, my hoarding my "precious" energy and not "bestowing" it upon anything I didn't think worthy of such a valuable and limited resource. Yet in doing that, I was blocking off the benefits of utilizing my energy, leading to stagnation and LACK of energy. Specifically in the Sun and Moon Tarot this card is often about limitation and boundaries, in this case self imposed. And I have to admit that I haven't before noticed the 4 glowing pentacles the figure is holding. This card today serves as a reinforcement and reminder of the valuable lessons I'm learning and working on this week. It's about balance, a balance between appropriate conservation and generosity in utilizing ALL of my resources, including my physical energy.

from the Sun and Moon Tarot

So I decided to try to work on changing my focus, in part by using gratitude in advance. I'm doing a little gratitude in advance for restful and rejuvenating sleep and feeling better tomorrow than I did today. So far, it's helping. I emotionally feel better and I also feel a bit better physically. This is helped by my increasing my supplements temporarily. I realized that part of this crash was likely due to my inadvertently running out of my lysine supplement last week, for a few days. I now know just how much the lysine is helping me and will be making every effort to NOT run out of it again in the future. But my frame of mind was also crippling me both physically and emotionally. I'm grateful I realized that was going on so I could work on resolving it.

I'm also realizing that I'm limiting myself by trying to plan things out too much. I get too stuck on the big picture and it overwhelms me. I need to work on small steps and everything doesn't need to be perfect. If it doesn't work I can change it or do it differently. Nothing needs to be set in stone.

I also don't NEED to have a set or fixed schedule or routine. I think I've been banging my head against a brick wall with trying to set a fixed schedule/routine. I don't NEED to do the same thing every day. Maybe trying to do so just goes against my self and I'm trying to force myself into something that just isn't me. So I'm trying to go with the flow more, do things as and when I feel drawn to do them, not just because it's time that I feel like I "should" do them. If I feel like reading, great, I'll pick up a book. If I feel like meditating or working with my crystals/stones then I'll do that. Doesn't matter what time it is or whatever. I feel much freer and less stressed already...

On a side note, I've been feeling drawn towards possibly doing some creative writing. I'm looking at trying using Tarot to give me some ideas/prompts for doing some simple creative writing. Again, trying to go with the flow. We'll see what happens with that...

I'm also still exploring Druidry. I'm still working my way through several books. I also joined a few Druidry books and groups on Facebook. I didn't end up having the energy to do the ADF style ritual on the Full Moon (yeah, that whole LACK issue...). I'm looking forward to giving it a try in the future.

Thanks for reading as my journey continues...  :-)



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